Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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