Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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