i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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