I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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