We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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