You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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