if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
