we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
