Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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