I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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