its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
