Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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