Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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