she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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