When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
