Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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