I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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