I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
