What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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