Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
