Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
