see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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