I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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