I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
