Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
