You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
