Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
