Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
