wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
