I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
