apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
