I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
