I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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