now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
