i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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