Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
