The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
