apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
