Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
