the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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