So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
