Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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