I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
