In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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