apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I want to fling myself into the sun
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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