Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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