I wish my penis had an off switch
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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