You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
