Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
