just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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