oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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