No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
