im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
